Slapstick or Lonesome No More ( Groteska )

Slapstick or Lonesome No More ( Groteska ) (inspired by Kurt Vonnegut Jr.) Written by Nika Štěpánková Translated by Aleš Launer *** (a movement and music study slapstick style; childbirth) All: (scream out of horror) Monsters, monsters, horrible monsters. Doctor: Come on, my friend, they are monsters, but cute little monsters. (throws one baby to the nurse; she throws the baby in horror to someone else; they pass the monsters to one another until they end up with the parents; the other people disappear) Mother: Well, honey, we ve got monsters. Father: Just two of them. We might have had three or four or even more. It s not that bad. Mother: I am not ugly, right? Or you think so? Father: No, darling, absolutely not. You are beautiful, you re gorgeous. Mother: So why do I have such monsters? Father: Darling, they have taken after me. Mother: (checks their faces) Nonsense, neither of them is like you. What shall we do? Father: We will isolate them, we will lock them in an old castle. They will have their own doctor there, their servants, their nanny, a gardener, millions of toys, anything they would ever wish for and we will visit them, say, once a year. Mother: Yes, we will see them once a year and we will celebrate their birthday with them. Father: I hope they won t live too long. Mother: Thanks a lot, honey, you ve solved our problem. Byebye, Wilbur, bye, Eliza, see you in a year. (they leave the babies on the stage and exit) Wilbur: (looks strangely at Eliza, she looks strangely back at him; both make a sound of disbelief, then start crying; however, nobody comes in) Stop crying. They aren t coming back. Eliza: No? Wilbur: They don t want us. We are monsters, do you understand? Eliza: No, I don t. You are a monster but you re my brother. And I love you anyway. Wilbur: Thank you, my little sister. (kisses her on the cheek) Nurse: Wilbur, I am heeeere. Doctor: Eliza, darling, oh my God, you are such an ugly monster. (each nurse takes one child separating them from each other; the children cry and try to reach each other) Nurse: (feeding one baby) Yummy yum, Wilbur. (spits out the food at her) Come on, Wilbur. Yummy yum. Doctor: (feeding the other baby) Yummy yum, Eliza. (the situation repeats) Nurse: I have chosen a beautiful dinner dress from the catalogue. Doctor: Show me. Nurse: (opens the catalogue and shows her the dress) This one, do you like it? Eliza and Wilbur: (slapping the catalogue) Boom, doom, boom, doom. Doctor: Let s go to the next room, we will have peace and quiet there. They can wait. Eliza and Wilbur: (waving) Boom, doom. (the very moment the nurses disappear they sit down and start eating with their spoons in a very elegant way) Eliza: The dress was horrible a cheap Chinese copy. Everyone knows it wasn t any Versace. Wilbur: And the handbag wasn t any Louis Vuitton either. Eliza: Those nurses are totally stupid. The castle is just like a library full of wonderful books, and they read nothing but a dumb fashion magazine. Wilbur: Look. (shows her a book) Eliza: What kind of book is it? I don t know, I can t read. Wilbur: (reads out) William Shakespeare, Macbeth. Eliza: Watch out! (grabs the baby food jars and licks the rest of food out of them) Boom. Wilbur: (hides the book) Doom. Nurse: Such a skilful girl you are. Will you pass me the jar, please? We have a surprise for you today. Look who s coming. (the parents come in) Father: Wilbur, Eliza... Nurse: The other way round. Father: Eliza, Wilbur... Nurse: Mr Swain, this is Eliza and this is Wilbur. Father: Uh huh. Nurse: You don t have to apologize, you haven t seen them for a year. 1

Father: Wilbur, Eliza, I am your Daddy. Eliza and Wilbur: Dodo, dodo. Mother: And I am your Mommy. Eliza and Wilbur: Momo, momo. Father: You are seven years old, And it s your birthday today. Eliza and Wilbur: Funday, funday. Father and Mother: We have some presents for you. (leaving) (a movement and music study of birthday: Wilbur and Eliza finish every act in a comic way making fun of the servants, in the end they are taken away, and only mother and father stay in) Mother: This is horrible. They are seven already and say just boom, doom, dodo. Father: And momo! Four words. Mother: They are total idiots. Father: They are a bit retarded but there is a chance that they could be alright someday. Mother: Nonsense. They will be idiots forever. Father: Let s go, darling, we will see them in a year s time. Eliza and Wilbur: (running in) Mom, Dad! Wilbur: They re gone. Eliza: They didn t even kiss us good-bye. Doctor: Eliza, Wilbur, where are you? Eliza: Momo? Doctor: Momo has left. Wilbur: Dodo? Doctor: Your dad has left too. Well, good night, Eliza. Nurse: Good night, Wilbur. (taking each child somewhere else) (a movement and music study a night and fear of ghosts) Eliza: What did they do when they heard the staircase squeak? Especially if there was no staircase there. Wilbur: They almost died of horror. Eliza: And what did they do when they heard the door open and close? Especially if there was no door there. Wilbur: They ran into their rooms and locked themselves there. Eliza: Finally, it s so peaceful here. Wilbur: So what shall we read now? Dante Alighieri in Italian? Eliza: I know him. Something new. Wilbur: Francois Villon? Eliza: No, no poetry. Something new. Wilbur: Sorry, but we have read all the books in the castle s library English, German, French, Russian, Spanish, Italian, and even Czech. Eliza: All of them? Wilbur: Yes, all of them and aloud. Eliza: Stop it, my brother. It s not my fault that I can t read and write. You know how to read and write, so sit down and write. Wilbur: Alright. What shall I write? Eliza: Our own book. Wilbur: Alright, start dictating. Eliza: Do you brush your teeth properly? Proper cleaning needs more than a good toothbrush and paste. For effective cleaning you need hot water the temperature of at least 50 degrees Centigrade. The teeth should be cleaned like plates, pots and pans No, no, no, the title will be Crying of a nightmare. (leaving) Father: (carrying balloons) Darling, I ve bought some balloons for Eliza and Wilbur. Mother: Oh, honey. (trying to give him a hug, breaking one balloon, she gets shocked) I hate them, I hate them, I hate them Father: Balloons? Mother: I hate Wilbur and Eliza Swain. My kids are two disgusting and horrible monsters. Oh my God, this is not me. Father: Calm down, darling. Mother: Can you forgive me? Father: Of course, I can, darling. Just calm down, the kids are coming in. Nurse: Hello, Mrs Swain, hello, Mr Swain, hi, Wilbur and Eliza, how are you doing today? Eliza: Boom. Wilbur: Doom. Doctor: Open your mouth and say aaah. Wilbur: Dooooom. Nurse: You have grown up well in the past fifteen years. Father: Wilbur, Eliza... (takes look at the nurse) Nurse: (nods her head in consent) Father: I am... Eliza and Wilbur: Dodo, dodo! Mother: And I am... Eliza and Wilbur: Momo! Eliza: Funday? Mother: Yes, it s your funday today. You are fifteen already. (giving them a balloon) (a movement study with the balloon: the children terrorize their parents; the parents unite and then start to throw the balloon back at the children) Eliza and Wilbur: Stop! Eliza: Dear mom and dear dad, we know you have thought all the time that we are stupid monsters. However, we can be clever or stupid. Everything depends on 2

what the world wants us to be. Nice to meet you I am Eliza Swain Wilbur: Wilbur Swain. (leaving) Mother: (faints) Father: (giving Mother the kiss of life) Mother: Hello, doctor, my name is Swain. Psychologist: Nice to meet you. Mother: Can you give an IQ test to our children, please? Psychologist: Your children? Mother: I ll pay for it, of course. Psychologist: Alright, I ll try. Do you speak any foreign language? Wilbur: All of them. Psychologist: All of them, you say? JÁ POCHÁZÍM Z ČESKÉ REPUBLIKY, UVIDÍME, JAK MLUVÍTE ČESKY. NA MĚ SI SE SVÝMI TRIKY MILIONÁŘSKÝCH DĚTIČEK NEPŘIJDETE. JÁ JSEM NEMĚLA NA RŮŽÍCH USTLÁNO. JÁ NE. NĚKDY JSME JEDLI JEN JEDNOU DENNĚ. TŘEBA JEN SUCHÉ BRAMBORY. DOVEDETE SI TO VŮBEC PŘEDSTAVIT? Eliza and Wilbur: NE. Psychologist: (is a bit shocked, then continues in an angry tone) JISTĚŽE NE. Wilbur: A PROČ SE ROZČILUJETE? Psychologist: JÁ? JÁ SE NEROZČILUJI, ODE MĚ BY TO BYLO NAPROSTO NEPROFESIONÁLNÍ, KDYBYCH SE ROZČILOVALA. A JEŠTĚ MI DOVOLTE POZNÁMKU, ŽE POŽÁDAT TAK SLAVNOU OSOBNOST, JAKO JSEM JÁ, ABY PROVEDLA INTELIGENČNÍ TESTY DVĚMA DĚCKÁM, JE JAKO POŽÁDAT ALBERTA EINSTEINA, ABY ZKONTROLOVAL ÚČET V RESTAURACI, NEBO MOZARTA, ABY NALADIL PIÁNO. PRVNĚ BUDU TESTOVAT TEBE, WILBURE, A PAK TEBE, ELIZO. Eliza: MY CHCEME, ABYSTE NÁS TESTOVALA SPOLU. Psychologist: MILÁ MLADÁ DÁMO, A NECHCETE ENCYKLOPEDII NEBO PŘÍTELE NA TELEFON? JESTLI TO NEVÍTE, TAK ŽIJETE VE SPOJENÝCH STÁTECH AMERICKÝCH, KDE SE KAŽDÝ MUSÍ NAUČIT PÁDLOVAT SVOU VLASTNÍ KÁNOI. OPAKUJTE. Eliza and Wilbur: PÁDLOVAT SVOU VLASTNÍ KÁNOI. Psychologist: SPRÁVNĚ. ELIZO, JDI VEN. Sit down, Wilbur (later on) Sit down, Eliza. (a movement study of testing Wilbur and then Eliza: both of them collapse at the end of tests) Mother: Well, doctor, what about the results of the testing? Psychologist: Do you speak Czech? Mother: No. Psychologist: And your husband does he speak Czech? Mother: No. Psychologist: Babysitters or your doctor is there anyone around you who can speak Czech? Mother: No. Nobody. Psychologist: That s really strange. Mother: I would think it strange if they spoke Czech. Well, what about the results? Psychologist: Ah, pretty poor. Neither Wilbur nor Eliza has any ambitions, so they can t be disappointed by life. The boy is smarter, he can read and write. However, Eliza will never learn reading and writing, but she is funny. I suggest that you put Wilbur into a special school, and Eliza into a mental home. There she will learn how to paddle her own canoe. Mother: Excuse me? Psychologist: To paddle her own canoe. Mother: We thought they were imbecile, we got used to it. We thought they were ingenious and we got used to it, too. Now we have to get used to the fact they are just normal stupid kids. Eliza: Well? What about the results of the IQ testing? Mother: So, so. Wilbur, you will go to a special school, and you, Eliza, to a mental home. Psychologist: ZVLÁŠTNÍ ŠKOLA A ÚSTAV PRO CHOROMYSLNÉ. JE TO JASNÉ? Eliza: No way! If you split us, we... Wilbur: will kill you. Psychologist: This is really absurd. Our time is up, Mrs Swain. Good-bye. Wilbur: (sits down onto the chair opposite Eliza and they throw the balloon, and say in turns) Boom. Eliza: Doom. Wilbur: Boom. Eliza: Doom. (throws the balloon to Mother) Wilbur: Boom. Mother: That s enough. Get ready. 3

Eliza: Good-bye, Wilbur. Wilbur: Good-bye, Eliza. Eliza: And write to me every day. Mother: Why? You can t read. Eliza and Wilbur: (splitting up, turn their backs round to take a look at each other and wave) Eliza: (sitting on a chair) Nurse: (comes in) Eliza: (jumps up) Are you bringing me a letter from my brother? Nurse: No, Miss Swain, I am sorry. Eliza: And my mother? Any letter from her? Nurse: No, Miss. Eliza: And my father? Anything? Nurse: I am sorry, Miss. Eliza: Nothing for the last ten years. They haven t written a single line to me. Nurse: But you have visitors, Miss. Eliza: Wilbur? Nurse: No. Some television people. Reporter: (coming) Nurse: Let s start. Will you sit down, please? Patients: (sitting down) Reporter: Mr Johns, how do you spend your time here in the mental home? Johns: By war, Miss, by war. Reporter: Who are you at war with? Johns: With Napoleon. Reporter: With Napoleon Bonaparte? Johns: Yes, with that bloody bastard. But my victory is near and clear. Reporter: And what are you going to do after you win the war? Johns: I ll start a war with China. Reporter: Why China? Johns: The Chinese are getting smaller and smaller, and I hate dwarfs. Reporter: And how do you spend your time here, Mrs Lindsay? Lindsay: By knitting. Reporter: What are you knitting now? Lindsay: A scarf. Reporter: How long is the scarf? Lindsay: 40,000 kilometers. Reporter: That long? Who is it for? Lindsay: For our planet Earth. It has terrible headaches. It s because of those bloody Chinese experiments with the Earth s gravitation. Reporter: How do you spend you time, Miss Swain? Eliza: By singing. Reporter: What do you sing? Eliza: A song. Reporter: You mean one song? Eliza: Yes, one song. Over and over. Reporter: Will you sing it for us, please? Eliza: (singing) Once maybe will come my prince. Yes, my prince will come for me. Reporter: Do you think of a particular prince? Eliza: Yes. My prince is my brother Wilbur Swain. But he is a bloody rat; he has not come yet. (a movement study of diminishing gravitation) Lindsay: It s here again. The Chinese do it. Johns: Let s fight the Chinese! Attaaaack! Reporter: Dear televiewers, Chinese scientists more and more often disrupt the Earth s gravitation field. Fortunately, this time it has been just for a few seconds. Nurse: Where is Eliza Swain? Johns: The Chinese have kidnapped her. Reporter: NARUŠENÍ GRAVITAČNÍHO POLE ZEMĚ VYUŽILA SLEČNA SWAINOVÁ K ÚTĚKU Z ÚSTAVU PRO MENTÁLNĚ POSTIŽENÉ PACIENTY. Z ÚSTAVU SE S VÁMI LOUČÍ VAŠE TELEVIZE. Wilbur: (coming in, wearing a university graduation hat) Mother: (giving him a bouquet) Congratulations, my son, I am so proud of you. I wish your father lived and could see you now. You are the first in our family to have graduated from a university, moreover Harvard University. Come on, the party is starting. (a movement study of graduation party) Eliza: Congratulations on your success, Wilbur. Wilbur: Eliza. Eliza: If you touch me, I ll bite you and you will get some horrible disease. Wilbur: What shall I say to you? Eliza: That s the reason I have come. I want to hear your wonderful stories about your studies. Is it enough to read and write if you want to study at Harvard? Wilbur: You are unfair to me, Eliza. I had to work hard and even now life is difficult for me. Eliza: And you think that my life has been easier for me? I have been waiting for your letter for ten long years. You were the brain, Wilbur, and I was the tumor to be removed from your body. 4

Wilbur: I have never said that. Eliza: But others were saying that and you started to believe it... I am your sister, your twin sister, Wilbur. You can touch me, but don t hurry up. Are you sure your heart is not weak? Wilbur: Yes, I am. Eliza: And do you promise you won t die if you touch me? Wilbur: Yes, I do. Eliza: Maybe, I will die. Wilbur: I hope not. Eliza: I am scared, Wilbur, but I must do it. (they touch each other and are transformed into two gangsters; they tie up the guests at the party) Now, we are going to lecture on psychology Wilbur: and metapsychology... Eliza: and physics Wilbur: and biophysics... Eliza: and we will feed you peanut butter Wilbur: and cookies, and together we will write a handbook with the title Eliza: So you ve got a child. Wilbur: No, no, no, the title will be Crying of a nightmare Yes. We need a typewriter and paper. Let s go. (leaving) Mother and a police officer: (coming in) Mother: Oh my God. Officer: It might have been a massacre; fortunately, the police are here in time. (unties the partygoers) Mother: I am sorry, my son didn t want to do anything wrong. (gives out some compensation money) Please, forgive Wilbur. He is a very nice boy. Please, forgive us. This is all Eliza s fault. (distributes the banknotes among people) (Wilbur and Eliza are violently separated from each other by their mother and the police officer) Eliza: (riding a motorbike, stops, recites a poem) SLYŠ, SLYŠ, SLYŠ, JAK O TVÉ SLÁVĚ VZNEŠENĚ MÁM PĚT, KDYŽ LEPŠÍ ČÁSTÍ MÉHO JÁ JSI SÁM, MÁM SE SNAD SEBECHVÁLOU OPÁJET, COŽ NEJDE O MĚ, KDYŽ TĚ OPĚVÁM? I PROTO ŽIJME RADŠI KAŽDÝ ZVLÁŠŤ, AŤ LÁSKA JMÉNO OBOU NENOSÍ, TÍM ODLOUČENÍM VŠAK NEDEJ SE ZMÁST, JÍM DÁVÁM TI, ČEHO SÁM HODEN JSI. Wilbur: Eliza! Eliza, wait, I love you. Can you hear me, Eliza? I really mean it. Eliza: One should never mean this. Wilbur: But I do love you. Really. Eliza: I like you, my brother, good-bye. Ambassador: (coming in with his suite) Hi ho, Miss Swain. Eliza: Hi ho. Ambassador: I am the first ambassador of China after twenty years because I am visible for other people. Miniaturization in China has progressed so much that the majority of Chinese are too small to be seen. Eliza: Why do you want to be so small? Ambassador: We can save food, space for living and so on. You can t understand that because you are Americans. You are too underdeveloped. We Chinese live even on Mars, already. Eliza: You live on Mars? How do you fly there? Ambassador: Top secret. I have come to visit you because we know of your and your brother s telepathic skills. Eliza: Yes, if we are together, we are one ingenious being. But as you can see, we live separately. Our mother isolates us from each other. She loves my brother, but she hates me because I cannot read and write. Ambassador: Do you have anything that can prove your genius? Eliza: A book. Its title is Crying of a nightmare. Ambassador: Where is the book? Eliza: My brother Wilbur has it. Ambassador: What do you want from me for your help? Eliza: I want to go to Mars. Ambassador: No problem. Goodbye, Miss Swain. Eliza: And say hello to my brother. Ambassador: With pleasure. (the suit moves on to another place) Ambassador: HAJ HOU, PANE SWAINE. Wilbur: HAJ HOU. Ambassador: JSEM PRVNÍ VELVYSLANEC ČÍNY PO DVACETI LETECH, PROTOŽE JSEM VIDITELNÝ PRO CIZINCE. MINIATURIZACE V ČÍNĚ DOSPĚLA VRCHOLU A VĚTŠINA ČÍŇANŮ MÁ MIKROSKOPICKOU VELIKOST. Wilbur: PROČ CHCETE BÝT MINIATURNÍ? Ambassador: UŠETŘÍME POTRAVINY, ŽIVOTNÍ 5

PROSTOR A TAK DÁLE, ALE TOMU BYSTE VY AMERIČANI NEROZUMĚLI. JSTE PŘÍLIŠ ZAOSTALÍ. MY ČÍŇANÉ JIŽ ŽIJEME I NA MARSU. Wilbur: ŽIJETE NA MARSU? A JAK TAM LÉTÁTE? Ambassador: STÁTNÍ TAJEMSTVÍ. PŘIŠEL JSEM VÁS NAVŠTÍVIT, NEBOŤ JSME SE DOVĚDĚLI O TELEPATICKÉ SCHOPNOSTI VÁS A VAŠÍ SESTRY ELIZY. Wilbur: ANO, KDYŽ JSME SPOLU, JSME JEDNA GENIÁLNÍ BYTOST, ALE JAK VIDÍTE, ŽIJEME ODDĚLENĚ. MATKA NÁS IZOLUJE. MILUJE MĚ A ELIZU NENÁVIDÍ, PROTOŽE NEUMÍ ČÍST ANI PSÁT. Ambassador: MÁTE NĚCO, ČÍM BYSTE SVOU GENIALITU MOHLI DOKÁZAT? Wilbur: KNIHU. JMENUJE SE PLÁČ NOČNÍ MŮRY. Ambassador: KDE JE TA KNIHA? Wilbur: TADY, ALE JSOU TO SAMÉ DĚTSKÉ BLBOSTI. Ambassador: MOŽNÁ PRO VÁS. (takes pictures of the book) ČÁST TAK VY JSTE SI POŘÍDILI DÍTĚ JE VELMI ZAJÍMAVÁ. VYUŽIJEME JI PŘI VÝCHOVĚ MLADÝCH ČÍŇANŮ. Wilbur: A TEN NÁPAD PŘIDĚLIT POČÍTAČEM KAŽDÉMU AMERIČANOVI NOVÉ PROSTŘEDNÍ JMÉNO A ČÍSLO, ABY MĚL DESET TISÍC BRATRŮ A SESTER A STO DEVADESÁT TISÍC BRATRANCŮ A SESTŘENIC? Ambassador: TAK TO JE JEDINÁ DĚTSKÁ BLBOST, KTEROU JSEM VE VAŠÍ KNIZE NAŠEL. DĚKUJI. (returns the book to Wilbur) POZDRAVUJE VÁS VAŠE SESTRA. Wilbur: ELIZA? JAK SE MÁ? Ambassador: DOBŘE. PRÁVĚ PŘISTÁVÁ NA MARSU. Wilbur: NA MARSU? Ambassador: MÁME TAM SVOU KOLONII. CO SI PŘEJETE VY ZA VAŠI POMOC? Wilbur: NIC. Ambassador: V TOM PŘÍPADĚ HAJ HOU, PANE SWAINE. Wilbur: HAJ HOU. (the suite leave the place) Film director: Come on, come on, let him sit here lights on make-up people What are you doing here? Quiet, please. Action! Clack person: The Election Campaign, Wilbur Swain, the first time. Wilbur: Hi ho, America! Interpreter: HAJ HOU, AMERIKO! Wilbur: I am Wilbur Swain and I am running for the President of the United States of America. Interpreter: JMENUJI SE WILBUR SWAIN A KANDIDUJI NA ÚŘAD PRESIDENTA USA. Wilbur: The motto of my election campaign is Lonesome No More. Interpreter: MÉ VOLEBNÍ HESLO ZNÍ UŽ NIKDY SAMI. Wilbur: How can I reach my goal? Interpreter: JAK TOHO DOSÁHNU? Wilbur: The computer will assign every American a new middle name and a number from one to twenty. This way you will get a new big family. People with the same names and numbers are your brothers and sisters. People with the same names only are your cousins. Interpreter: POČÍTAČ PŘIDĚLÍ KAŽDÉMU AMERIČANOVI NOVÉ PROSTŘEDNÍ JMÉNO A ČÍSLO OD JEDNÉ DO DVACETI. ZÍSKÁTE NOVOU VELIKOU RODINU. LIDÉ SE STEJNÝM JMÉNEM A ČÍSLEM BUDOU VAŠI BRATŘI A SESTRY A LIDÉ SE STEJNÝM JMÉNEM BUDOU BRATRANCI A SESTŘENICE. Wilbur: Your new name will be delivered by mail. Let s practice it now. Choose seven brave Americans and bring them here. Interpreter: NOVÉ JMÉNO VÁM DORUČÍ POŠTA. POJĎME SI TO VYZKOUŠET. VYBERTE SEDM STATEČNÝCH AMERIČANŮ A PŘIVEĎTE JE SEM K NÁM. (7 people from the audience step forward and are given envelopes; they read out the names on cards and translate them with the help of interpreter) Whitney Rat 10 Houston Woody Tulip 5 Allen Brad Melon 8 Pitt Britney Carrot 7 Spears Julia Mushroom 1 Roberts Meryl Frog 6 Streep Robin Peanut 2 Williams (the seven people from the audience sit down) Citizen: Can I have a question? What happens if I can t stand someone from my relatives? Interpreter: MÁM DOTAZ. CO SE STANE, KDYŽ NĚKOHO 6

ZE SVÝCH PŘÍBUZNÝCH NEBUDU MOCT VYSTÁT? Wilbur: Dear madam, this is a problem of most relatives. Interpreter: MILÁ PANÍ, TO JE PROBLÉM VĚTŠINY PŘÍBUZNÝCH. Wilbur: I will be deeply disappointed if you after my election are not able to say to your relative this: Suck off your eye, kiss your ass good-bye, and get yourself shot at the Moon! Interpreter: BYL BYCH HLUBOCE ZKLAMÁN, KDYBYSTE PO MÉM ZVOLENÍ TOMUTO NOVÉMU PŘÍBUZNÉMU NEŘEKLA: VYLIŽTE SI VOKO, POLIBTE SI ŘIŤ A NECHTE SE VYSTŘELIT NA MĚSÍC! Film director: Stop! I take it. Clean up the place, we are off. Good luck, Mr Swain. Wilbur: (opens an envelope) As President of the United States of America, Wilbur Swain, I hereby congratulate you on your new name Wilbur Daffodil 11 Swain. Waiter: Your morning coffee, Mr President. Let me say hello to you, I am your relative. I am Daffodil 11. Wilbur: Brother! Give me a hug. Sofie: Wilbur! Wilbur: Yes, darling. Sofie: What is this? Wilbur: Your new name, darling. Sofie: Sofie Cabbage 3 Rotschild? I hate you. Wilbur: (hiding his laughter) But darling, you don t even know how many famous relatives you have. Sofie: I already have famous relatives from the Rotschild Family: I don t need new ones. (tearing the name card) I hate you, Wilbur, I really hate you. I will ask for getting divorced from you. Wilbur: It s impossible, you re the First Lady. Sofie: I don t give a damn about it. I will start a new political party; our slogan will be Lonesome Thank God. (music in a club; people are dancing forming a shape of caterpillar) Bartender: Welcome to the Caterpillars Club, Mr President. Wilbur: Hi ho. Bartender: What will you drink? Wilbur: Beer. And you, ladies? Lady 1: Whiskey and soda. Lady 2: Vodka and orange juice. Bouncer: Mr President, this is the Caterpillars Club. Wilbur: So what? Bouncer: Are you a caterpillar? Wilbur: No. I am Daffodil 11 Swain. Bouncer: In such a case I must say this: Suck off your eye, kiss your ass good-bye, and get yourself shot at the Moon! Wilbur: Pardon? (a fight, the police officer joins in; everything is affected by gravitation increase; movements are extremely difficult) Bouncer: The Chinese experiment with gravitation again. Save your necks, everybody! (excess gravitation disappears) Wilbur: An injured person here! Call the doctor! Doctor: That s me. Greg Caterpillar 3 House. Wilbur: We have an injured person here. Doctor: No, Mr President, he is dead. Wilbur: The first victim of Chinese experiments with gravitation. Doctor: You are mistaken, Mr President. This person died of yellow death. Wilbur: Yellow death? What is it? Doctor: The Chinese are able to change the Earth s gravitation field, which is the thing we have just experienced. However, they also got so small they can fly in the air. And this man breathed in a Chinese, so he died of immediate yellow death. Reporter: Dear televiewers, our television team is here. This man has just died of yellow death What is this yellow death? Doctor Greg Caterpillar 3 House explains: The Chinese are able to change the Earth s gravitation field, which is the thing we have just experienced. However, they also got so small they can fly in the air. And this man breathed in a Chinese, so he died of immediate yellow death. Susan Mackerel 4 Novák, Nova Television. Wilbur: A Chinese? Here in the US? Doctor: Chinese are everywhere, even on Mars. They are so small that you can t see them by the naked eye. Woman: (with a magnifying glass) That s true. Really! Look! A Chinese here and another and still another. Doctor: (steps on them) Bastards. They will cause a yellow death pandemic. Eliza s voice: Wilbur! Wilbur: Where are you, Eliza? You should be on Mars, so I can t hear your voice. 7

(Mars: Eliza is strolling with the Ambassador) Eliza: So this is Mars. Ambassador: Welcome to Mars, Miss Swain. Put this on. (offers her a filter) Just to be sure that you cannot breathe in some of us. It would kill you. They call it yellow death on the Earth. Eliza: Who are they? Ambassador: Martians, Miss. They are stupid but harmless. Eliza: (to a Martian) Nice to meet you. Ambassador: They can t speak. Watch out! Run away, Miss! An avalanche! Eliza: (running; gets stuck in the avalanche) Eliza s voice: Wilbur! Ambassador: I am so sorry, Miss Swain it was just an accident. However, death is not the end, you will see. Peanut: Hey, what s your name? Wilbur: What s up, man? Peanut: What s your middle name? Wilbur: We are Daffodils. And you? Peanut: We are Peanuts. We have just beaten the Lemon family and we will beat you now. Wilbur: Wanna fight? Peanut: Yep. America is full of unnecessary families. We are the best because we are All: the Peanuts. Wilbur: I am President and we are All: the Daffodils. Peanut: How disgusting. We will rule the States now and this is for you: Suck off your eye, kiss your ass good-bye, and get yourself shot at the Moon! Kill theeem! Beat the Daffodils! Wilbur: Kill theeem! Beat them! (a fight: gradually, they kill one another and Wilbur stays alone) Lonesome No More, Lonesome No More, Lonesome No More! (Wilbur sits in desperate mood over the battlefield) Eliza s voice: WILBURE. Wilbur: ELIZO. JE TO PRAVDA, ŽE TĚ NA MARSU ZASYPALA LAVINA? Eliza s voice: ANO JE. Wilbur: ODKUD SLYŠÍM TVŮJ HLAS? Eliza s voice: Z ONOHO SVĚTA, WILBURE. Wilbur: JAKÉ TO TAM JE? Eliza s voice: JE TO JAKO BÝT MRTVÝ. POCIT CHLADU A LEPKAVOSTI. JO LEPKAVOSTI. SMRTELNĚ SE NUDÍM, WILBURE. BRATŘE, TOHLE TADY JE VĚČNOST, NAVŽDY. ZABIJ SE, ABYCHOM ZASE BYLI SPOLU. JEN NAŠE GENIALITA MŮŽE TU NUDU TADY ZMĚNIT V RÁJ. ALE JAKÝ SMYSL MÁ POTOM ŽIVOT? Eliza: (coming in with a creamcake) ŽIVOT JE JEN ŠPATNÝ VTIP, WILBURE. ŽIVOT JE BÁJEČNÝ ŠLEHAČKOVÝ DORT, JEN JEJ OCHUTNAT! (smashes the cake against Wilbur s face; darkness) Eliza s voice: (laughter) The End 2011 Výše uvedené texty jsou duševním vlastnictvím autorky Mgr. Niky M. Štěpánkové a překladatele Mgr. Aleše Launera. Jakékoliv neautorizované použití je porušením zákona. 8